Not a Spirit of Fear

So I am leaving to start my first semester of my first year of college at California Baptist University in 3 days. This definitely gives me a crazy mix of emotions. I am totally thrilled that I get to be with my brother and best friend Elizabeth Ann at college and get to meet many more friends. I am sad because I don't get to be with my sisters in high school. I am nervous because I don't know many people at college yet and don't know if I will make friends easily, and because I have never been to a new school in my whole life. I am fearful because I have to manage my own funds and be "on my own" and be responsible for my own life now more than ever.

A few nights I have lain awake worrying about it, whether I will be a loner and if I will be good at college and so many other things. But God is the Ultimate Comforter. He says to me, "For I hold you by your right hand--I, the Lord God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you.'" Isaiah 41:13 He will fill me with confidence, because He "Has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline". He is going to be holding my hand all the way.

Our Father's love note to us:

Dear penniless child,

I see you fumbling in the darkness, for the mere scraps of a morsel of the world's desserts. Your hands discover a piece and it dissolves away in your hands. Come my darling child and find comfort in my loving arms. You do not have to live this way, scrambilng for a drop of this world's affections. Let me tenderly wipe away the filth that others have cheated you into. Look me in the eyes and gaze into my tender eyes that disregard all imperfections. Your blemishes only make you that much dearer to My compassionate heart. Though you dwell among the last, the lost, and the least, you are my Beloved, my sweet child, my precious Masterpiece. Let me dust away your past and remind you only of your cheery future. Cast off those shoes so worn from trudging those long miles away from Me, and I will give you wings to fly into My glorious Presence. Though your feet are weary and scraped from the sharp tools of the world so dreary, I will set you by My right hand and give you rest, My darling child. While once your present was taken out with the rubbish, it is removed and polished, bright with Hope and Promise. See me with new eyes. Remove your old rags and be clothed with My Love and Grace. I saw you in your darkest hour adn I loved you. Even now, while you stand before Me, with eyes so tired, and resources exhausted, I love you all the more. Your sins endear you to My heart. Run as hard as you may, to your Father's firm arms. Heavy though your burdens may be, I will not drop you. For every precious treasure of this confused world, I would not give you up.

You are beautiful. You are loved. You have worth. You belong. You can do anything. You are not alone. You are part of a family. You have a smile that My Joy can bring to your face. As you walk down the filthy alley ways, I will take your right hand, and block you from those who pass by with malicious gazes. You mean more to me than any of the richest things on this temporary earth. I am the only One who can truly see past your filth and worldly-worthlessness. All THEIR worth is meaningless, but from MY worth springs life eternal. Accept My hand, dear child of mine, and be made new. I will scour out the crevices of your heart, scrape out any imperfections. Because you are perfect, just as I am perfect. Be like Me, your loving Father, and you will know Peace. Come out of the shadowy hiding place adn be welcome in the cradle of My arms. I will keep you safe and warm. Because it is YOU I love, my precious child, lost in the world no longer.

Simply Nothing

A few people lately have mentioned to me I need to update my blog...so here I am! I was thinking of things that were on my heart, and while I was gardening the other day I had this AMAZING song stuck in my head...it was "Simply Nothing" by Shawn McDonald. It goes a little something like this:

"So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You're watching Your children doing what You despise

In pursuit of our own we just go 'round and 'round

Another nail to our cause we continue to pound

What are you, man, if you do not learn love?

What are you, man, if you do not learn love?

So hard to fathom, oh the feelings inside

As You're watching Your people choosing to die

You called out a warningto all that would hear

Saying 'Come to Me, and I will draw near'

What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?"

Obviously the answer is, Simply NOTHING. But the not-so-obvious thing is the question that the world has been trying to answer for ages. What IS love? Well considering this is Good Friday, I would say that Love is a very important factor in Jesus' life-giving act. His unconditional love is, some might say, impossible for us to learn perfectly because we are "only human". But as we are made in the image of God, we are to reflect that love that we were designed for.

I am currently re-reading an incredible book called "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper. Pretty self-explanatory as to what it is about, but it brought something to light about love that I had never thought of before. Society has given us its own distorted perspective of love. "Love is helping someone feel good about themselves. Love is handing someone a mirror and helping him like what he sees." He says, "Love is doing what is best for someone. But making self the object of our highest affections is not 'best for us'. It is in fact a lethal distraction...."

Isn't that hard? We all love to hear that someone loves us...and when someone tells us that, what's so hard about love? What's to learn?...The fact is, love is not making much of someone, or even making much of someone else. Think of this: God is the ultimate standard of love. Only imagine the UNCONDITIONAL love that occurred at the cross!! Jesus took on ALL the sin of the world. Picture this: God can not look at sin. So while His Son was suffering in pure agony on the cross, God could not even look at His own Son! Yet while He was in this extreme pain, did God "love" Him (in the definition of the world) take away His pain and help give Him the easy road? NO! He knew what the best was for the world, for our salvation. That just blows me away, that He could bear to just let Him suffer...yet that is love?

What are you, man, if you do not learn LOVE?

Thank you Lord for your unconditional love. For your undying faithfulness, despite my own unfaithfulness. Thank you for your unmerited favor, your supreme goodness and perfection despite my own fatal flaws. You are my Lover and my Beloved.

You are my All in All

Some people have mentioned to me that my blogs are very deep, deeper than your typical blogs. Well I do hope they are, because everything contained in it comes from the depths of my heart, and the deepest caverns of my thoughts. The other day at Communion, I had another moment of revelation.

These past two weeks have been rough for me; I have been riding the roller coaster of emotions, not necessarily due to any physical matter, but really just a insane kick of hormones or something. And all this time I was trying to cling to God, for the most part. But a lot of it I relied on friends for support. So while we were taking Communion on Sunday, God really spoke to me. Earlier in church we had sung the touching sacred hymn "All in All". Sometimes I sit in church and just sing, not necessarily feeling the words that I sing heartily. But when the words "You are my Strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my All in All", it caught my minds eye. All in all...? I pondered on this later during Communion, where God laid upon my heart that I was not ready for a romantic relationship. I am a firm believer that before you can ever love another person, God must first be fully enough for you, and then the soulmate is just a benefit. When the phrase "All in All" was spoken, I kind of got a hit to the face when I realized, I was not letting God be my all. When He is enough for me, when I can survive with no one else but Him, then I will be ready.

This is not just a blog about my relationships, don't worry--because that could take more than just one blog. =) But it is about seeking my true Love. As the hymn continues on, it says, "Seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord to give up, I'd be a fool--You are my All in All". As I got to thinking about it, I was reflecting on what "treasure" really is. Anyone who knows me can understand me when I say that my definition of a "treasure" might be some cute new outfit I found at the Monday Sale for an incredibly good deal. As much as that made me laugh at myself, I also saw the serious side of it--how often do I seek after God as much as I do a good deal on clothes? When there's a good sale on, everyone wants to go, because they would be a fool to miss such great savings. And then I really felt the truth...I would be a fool to give up on such a great treasure--a precious jewel.

My favorite verse ever is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong." His grace is ENOUGH for me. My ALL.

I was really in the grateful yet sorrowful mood that only the joy of Christ can bring you through, and so I decided to write a song to release my flow of relentless emotion. It is a simple love song, to my true Love. I hope it reaches you as it does me. I am working on putting the music I have written for it on paper, and hopefully soon I will have it perfected.

YOU

Grass under my feet

Running through the field

Living the sunshine away

You laugh the joy into my day

*It's You, You, it's You..

Ancient friends, laughing and talking

Of worries and prayers

Who walks in this garden?

*It's You, You, it's me and You..

When the world is on my shoulders

And the sweat is on my brow

Will You be the One to carry my burden

And walk me through?

*Yeah, because it's You, You, it's You...

When the smoke clears

And the only one left is me

Who's the One holding out the white flag

Telling me they're all that I need?

*It's You, You, it's You...

Captivate, illuminate, elucidate

Anything that drives me to You!!

I want it to be You, You, me and You...

~Audrey Lynn Hanson~3/2/09

In The Beginning...

Hi. I'm Audrey Hanson. Most people who have blogs talk maybe about their great adventures, or just their life, or maybe they put up pictures that they've taken. But this is going to basically be the heart of Audrey, laid out on the table. Things that I think about, learned, or maybe just want to know. The first thing that came to mind that was just on my heart was this: how strange we people are. I mean, I sometimes laugh to think that God sits up in heaven just shaking His head and laughing at us. We are just so stupid sometimes! Example number 1: "Snakes On A Plane". Okay, that's not really a good example but I just wanted to put out there..what a lame plot/title for a movie! So what got me thinking about this was, in my relationship with God, sometimes when things go wrong, I pull the "abandon ship" move. When ever the going gets tough, I just jump off board. And when I'm drowning in the waters, and I KNOW how to get back on board, I don't. Maybe some explanation is called for here. For me, personally, I love having this great connection with God. He's my Best Friend, and my Beloved, and so many more things!! But as soon as my spirit is broken by the weary ways of the world, I forget how amazing this connection with Him is, and I fall away, just by not doing the simple things. By reading His love story to us, and just talking to Him like He's your closest friend, that instills a sweet peace inside of me. For a couple of weeks this connection has been broken for me, only because I am being the stereotypical human. Why is it when we know what to do and that we should do those simple things and restore our relationships, it's just so hard? I don't know. But there is a transcending peace that I have to look forward to, and it's just out of my reach, and I mean to grab onto that.



"The purposes of God point to one simple end—that we should be as he is, think the same thoughts, mean the same things, possess the same blessedness." –George MacDonald

LET A MAN THINK AND CARE ever so little about God, he does not therefore exist without God. God is here with him, upholding, warming, delighting, teaching him—making life a good thing to him. God gives him himself, though the man knows it not.--George MacDonald